The voices in my head don't think they're imaginary

I have no phone, and I must scream

Thu, 15 May 2008 13:14:21 GMT

I tell you what, I've pulled some serious travel boners in my time (and no, that's NOT dirty, jeez you guys) but this takes the cake.

Tumbling out of the house at an ungodly hour to make a flight to San Diego, it seems I left my phone at home on the charger. My indispensable BlackBerry!

At least this is a short trip, and I'm home tomorrow. But still. No phone. No email. I am so screwed.

Please everyone, fingers crossed for your forgetful and out-of-touch comrade!

Diet Soap Party Report!

Mon, 12 May 2008 16:42:22 GMT

Once again, I got no pictures. I am useless when it comes to pictures. I even brought my camera! But I always just get so busy talking that I completely forget. So no pictures, unless someone else took them ... sorry!

But anyway, the Diet Soap Launch Party on Saturday was a wonderful success. I want to particularly thank our readers, tinaconnolly, camillealexa (who, by the way, is now our new poetry editor!!!), stephanieburgis (which will probably come as a surprise to Stephanie given that she wasn't actually there, but I read her story "Stitching Time," which the owner of the bookshop hosting the reading called "chilling"), davidlevine, and our special super surprise reader, all the way from Eugene ... seventorches!

We had a great mix of attendees, Dojo regulars as well as Portland spec-fic gadabouts like joshenglish, Dave Goldman, Mischa DeNola, my own dear sister coffeecuresall, kateyule, kblincoln, mrajm, and the intrepid (and probably now sleep-deprived) robvagle.

The folks at the Writers' Dojo were wonderful and accommodating as always. What a wonderful venue.

Thanks to everyone who attended and participated!

Diet Soap Launch Party Tonight!

Sat, 10 May 2008 22:42:28 GMT

It is spring! And what better way to celebrate the birds and the bees than by helping us launch the Diet Soap "Sex and Gender" issue? We're having a big launch party TONIGHT at 7 p.m. at the Writer's Dojo in St. John's.

We're expecting a whole host of writers and editors from all corners of Portland's literary community--from genre fiction to speculative fiction to experimental literature.

And how, exactly, are we luring all these fantastic literary types? Why, with a truckload of pizza courtesy of St. John's own Signal Station Pizza, of course. Later, we will repair to St. John's Booksellers for readings from the magazine (and an open mic, if time allows). And then back to the Dojo, to finish off whatever food and beverages remain and talk into the wee hours of the night.

The Diet Soap launch party will have all the good things in life--writers and readers and food, and nice comfy places to sit and a beautiful garden outside. Great conversation with a diverse crowd. And sex and gender. Do you want more than that? If so, then you want too much out of life, my friend.

Anyway, the Writer's Dojo is located at:
7518 (and 7506) N. Chicago Ave
Portland, OR 97203

Here are directions.

We hope to see you there!

My WisCon 2008 Schedule

Thu, 08 May 2008 23:32:41 GMT

Historical Research for Fiction Writers
Standard history books aren't always useful for fiction research. This panel identifies other sources to provide details about what people ate, how they spoke, how much things cost, and what kind of stuff cluttered up their houses. Panelists will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of memoirs, newspapers, telephone books, material culture, museums, etc. as sources for fiction.
Saturday, 1:00-2:15 P.M. | Caucus
Participants: Bradford Lyau, Ellen Klages, Wendy Walker, M.K. Hobson

Cliche or Trope?
Stranded orphans become great wizards. Evil sorcerers try to destroy the world. Wizards with pointy hats, androgynous elves with longbows ... a large portion of fantasy's bad reputation is tied to its worn-out cliches. At what point does 'done' become 'overdone'? Where can you expect your readers to draw the line? Can good storytelling reclaim a cliche, or are some story elements so exhausted that they cannot be revived?
Sunday, 8:30-9:45 A.M. | Senate A
Panelists: Sean M. Murphy, M.K. Hobson, Gregory Frost, Theodora Goss

Time To Put Down The Laptop?
Everyone and her sister/brother/dog seems to be blogging these days. Do you find blogging a waste of creative energy and a bane to more polished fiction? Does talking about your process keep you from engaging in it? Counting your words rather than crafting them? Or do you think this is a false economy of scarcity? Does blogging actually help you write more, better, faster, better-crafted? If so, how?
Sunday, 10:00-11:15 A.M. | Caucus
Panelists: Alan Bostick, M.K. Hobson, Naamen Tilahun, Cecilia Tan, Vylar Kaftan

Taboo (Reading)
Sunday, 1:00-2:15 P.M. | Conference 2
Readers: M.K. Hobson, Jennifer Pelland, Rachel Swirsky, Vylar Kaftan

Home from Vegas

Thu, 08 May 2008 18:40:06 GMT

Made it home safely, and am happy to be back in the mellow green climes of Oregon. So much to blog on, let's see, where to start ...

The Star Trek Experience in Vegas! It was two, two, two rides in one! And both of them made me want to puke. The "Klingon Encounter" motion simulator ride made me sick--I had to keep my eyes closed the whole time, and I'm really glad I hadn't eaten anything, or I would have barfed. I keep wanting to like motion simulator rides, but my body will not cooperate. The other ride, the "Borg Assimilation" ride had too much butt-poking and spit-blowing and super-hammy acting. But the fact that it was in 4D, rather than just dumb ol' 3D, was pretty neat. Overall, I had the most fun hanging out in the bar afterward with tuber_x, drinking Star-Trek themed cocktails and talking about poststructuralism.

The Gondola Disappointment in Vegas! So while I was in Vegas, ramblin_phyl asked me to see if I could take a gondola ride at the Venetian to help her out with some book research. I was really excited to do this because I like being given missions and this sounded like a cool opportunity to really freak out some poor gondolier (you know, looking shifty-eyed, making cribbed notes on a piece of scrap paper, muttering to myself under my breath about weight tolerances and access points ...) But alas, I was unable to complete my mission because I had to leave early on Wednesday to ship a bunch of stuff before catching my flight. So once again, as a spy I am made of fail.

My WisCon Schedule, let me show you it. I'm posting it beneath a cut because, really, you only care if you care, and if you don't care, you don't need it cluttering up your fList.

Historical Research for Fiction Writers
Standard history books aren't always useful for fiction research. This panel identifies other sources to provide details about what people ate, how they spoke, how much things cost, and what kind of stuff cluttered up their houses. Panelists will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of memoirs, newspapers, telephone books, material culture, museums, etc. as sources for fiction.
Saturday, 1:00-2:15 P.M. | Caucus
Participants: Bradford Lyau, Ellen Klages, Wendy Walker, M.K. Hobson

Cliche or Trope?
Stranded orphans become great wizards. Evil sorcerers try to destroy the world. Wizards with pointy hats, androgynous elves with longbows ... a large portion of fantasy's bad reputation is tied to its worn-out cliches. At what point does 'done' become 'overdone'? Where can you expect your readers to draw the line? Can good storytelling reclaim a cliche, or are some story elements so exhausted that they cannot be revived?
Sunday, 8:30-9:45 A.M. | Senate A
Panelists: Sean M. Murphy, M.K. Hobson, Gregory Frost, Theodora Goss

Time To Put Down The Laptop?
Everyone and her sister/brother/dog seems to be blogging these days. Do you find blogging a waste of creative energy and a bane to more polished fiction? Does talking about your process keep you from engaging in it? Counting your words rather than crafting them? Or do you think this is a false economy of scarcity? Does blogging actually help you write more, better, faster, better-crafted? If so, how?
Sunday, 10:00-11:15 A.M. | Caucus
Panelists: Alan Bostick, M.K. Hobson, Naamen Tilahun, Cecilia Tan, Vylar Kaftan

Taboo (Reading)
Sunday, 1:00-2:15 P.M. | Conference 2
Readers: M.K. Hobson, Jennifer Pelland, Rachel Swirsky, Vylar Kaftan

I sold a story to Flytrap! The story is called "Crushing Butterflies" and I'm v. excited because Flytrap is a market I adore. ;-)

Black Static 4! I got a little giftie from the Universe in the form of Black Static 4. It arrived in the mail while I was in Vegas, and contains stevenagy's story "Ye Shall Eat in Haste." It's a fantastic story, well crafted and evocative. I'm sure the rest of the magazine is awesome too, but I've only read Steve's story so far. I'm so glad to see Black Static making the significant mark on dark fantasy/horror that everyone expected it would. It's living up to expectations, and given that the expectations were pretty high, I'd say that's quite an accomplishment for the TTA team.

In Las Vegas

Tue, 06 May 2008 17:48:00 GMT

So I'm in Las Vegas, at the Venetian for a conference. I had a lovely dinner last night with tuber_x and his charming SO & his charming SO's mother. I had prime rib. It was scrumptious. I also played $20 in the slot machines and cashed out with $12.44. When you do the math, that means I lost exactly $6.66. Is that weird or what?

Anyway, my Internet access is very spotty. I'm posting this from the conference's "Cyber Lounge" -- a row of very public laptops on a row of crickety draped tables. So I'll keep the report brief:

Item! My story "Hotel Astarte" is up on Podcastle! I haven't heard it yet, of course, but I'm sure it's wonderfully done.
Item! I have got my programming list for WisCon, which I shall have to post once I get some reliable, semi-private Web access. I'm on a research for historical fiction panel, a panel about genre tropes, and a panel about writers who blog too much (heh.) Also, Jennifer Pelland, Vylar Kaftan and Rachel Swirsky and I are doing a reading on Sunday titled "Taboo." It's going to be awesome. We're going to raffle stuff off, and have goodie bags, and everything.
Item! My feet hurt! Standing in heels for eight hours, even on carpet, sucks
Item! I'm very likely going to the Star Trek ride experience thingy tonight. Report to follow.
Item! I finished another story! Unfortunately, it is a pirate story! (But hey, it's got a twist. catrambo, this is the story I read a piece of at Norwescon. I finally figured out how to end it.)
Item! I've got to get to work being booth candy. Smiles everyone, smiles!

Hey everyone, go give some love ...

Thu, 01 May 2008 23:43:19 GMT

If you haven't already done so, do pop in and give jaylake a what-ho Jeeves. He's had a very bad couple of days.

Here's how you know when you've achieved success as a writer.

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:08:35 GMT

It's not when you've made your first pro sale, or gotten an agent, or sold your first novel or even your fortieth novel. It's not when you have been asked to be the guest of honor at some prestigious con, or have been offered a reading slot at KGB, or have been interviewed by Hour of the Wolf. It's not when one of the podcasts asks you to be a reader, or you get your first royalty check, or you qualify for membership in SFWA.

No.

It is when you type "The End" on a story that you think is pretty brilliant, and you close the file, and somehow, against all odds, against all instincts, you manage to resist the urge to send it to ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE YOU CAN THINK OF, EVERY EDITOR, EVERY WRITER FRIEND, EVERYONE, RIGHT THAT VERY SECOND in favor of letting the story simmer so you can come back to it in a week or two and make it better. Because no matter how brilliant it seems right at this moment, you know you can make it better.

THAT, my friends, is success.

Today, I am a successful writer.

OMG.

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 20:57:44 GMT

If I had, like, nothing but cabbage I would SO own these Balenciaga honeys, in all their dayglo splendor (with a backup pair in plain ol' black for business meetings ...)

Never have I seen a more perfect shoe.

The Value of a Weighty Person

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 18:37:58 GMT

I love Manolo the Shoeblogger (manalos_shoe), and I especially love the spinoff blog "Manolo for the Big Girl." (manolobiggirl). There was a very interesting post on the latter today, commenting on a superbly ill-reasoned article from msnFinance on the issue of weight and social cost. In (her?) response, Manolo blogger Twistie evokes, in a beautifully snarky way, the viceral disgust I feel when someone couches sizism in the holy robes of "It's not that I think you *look* crappy, it's just that I'm worried about your health!" Anyway. I'm reposting a bit here, but I encourage you all to click on the link and read more.

Good stuff, Maynard! (Though I must say, I wouldn't have put Taft at the top of my list of Influential Fat People throughout History ...)

***

The other day, msn Finance published an article about the potential savings to the US economy if nobody were fat. Never mind that the author’s math doesn’t add up on any level. After all, she assumes that a) every fat person eats lots of Big Macs and b) no thin person does. She also assumes that McDonalds would survive - nay, would continue to be profitable - if instead of selling Big Macs they sold ‘little steamed chicken snacks.’

In this Thintopia suggested by the author, diabetes and heart disease would nearly disappear. What’s more, apparently nothing else would kill us! Insurance rates would plummet and more money would go into preventative care ... or:

That sounds good, but Roland Sturm, a senior economist for Rand in Santa Monica, Calif., doubts anyone would pay for preventive care. More likely, he says, some doctors would be on the street. “They could drive cabs,” he suggests.

Of course, no thin person has diabetes or heart disease or suffers a stroke, right? And nothing else would come along to kill us because if we would just stop being fat, clearly we would live forever. And people are only willing to pay for catastrophic health care over preventative or maintenance care because ... well, we’re not entirely sure why, but since an economist said it, it must be true.

And of course, in this new nirvana, nobody would ever take a sick day because we all know that every time someone calls in sick at work it’s because of fat…not colds, flu, sprained ankles, or a host of other ills that befall everyone, fat or thin. Our dependance on foriegn oil would evaporate as our trim little bums would lessen the strain on our SUVs and airplanes could fly with less fuel making up for the difficulty of getting a bunch of lardly butts into the skies. Farmers could stop growing so many sugar beets which we bad fat people have been demanding and start growing lots of vegetables which fat people never, ever eat, of course. Because clothing manufacturers wouldn’t have to cover such a wide range of body sizes, they could - and of course would! - concentrate on covering a much wider range of body types. Yes, it is because I need a size larger than the average store carries on a regular basis that some deserving thin person is unable to find pants that fit both her hips and her waist properly. I stand utterly chagrined in the face of such logic.

Really, if we would all just stop being fat, everyone would ride unicorns and find true love, tra la.

The thing that worries me most, however, is not the way the math doesn’t add up, but the fact that our very individual human lives, whether fat or thin, are treated as a matter of pure economics. Our value as people does not diminish because we need health care or transportation or food. Our value depends so much more on what we bring to the people around us. So what have some fat people in history brought to our world that’s worth having? What could a fat person possible have accomplished? Well, here are a couple examples I think are worth considering.

(more ...)

Diet Soap #2 Layout Done!

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 04:42:11 GMT

I am moving several long-overdue projects out of my inbox, and one of the longest and most overdue is the layout of the second issue of Diet Soap.

This is an incredibly kick-ass issue, as evinced by the table of contents:

Fiction

Dream Date by Chelsea Martin
Be the Bomb You Throw by Katherine Sparrow
Peach by Ginnetta Correli
Stitching Time by Stephanie Burgis
The Growns by Maxwell James

Poetry

Shopping for a Husband by Aurelio Rico Lopez III
Pro-Life Patter by Rachel Swirsky
How to Walk in Heels by Tina Connolly

Art

Collages by Jen Light

I am so excited to send it off into the world, which we will be doing with a launch party at the Writer's Dojo on May 10. Portland folks, please mark your calendars and please come to support the 'zine if you're able! There's going to be pizza and beer and readings and an open mike and lots of enlightened earnestness. Watch this space for more info as it develops.

Next up ... revisions for heidi_lampietti, by hook or by crook!

That's it, cold. The gloves are off.

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 00:22:11 GMT

We're done here, cold.

You've been very cute and all, plugging up my ears, playing holy hell with my voice. Very adorable. You've had your fun. Now it's over.

We're going to see the Pho lady.

That's right, I'm not playing with you any more. I'm about to throw some serious shit all up into your grill. The Pho lady is going to make me chicken soup with EXTRA jalapenos and that hot chili oil stuff, and basil, and lime, and you're going to rue the day you ever played me for a chump.

Cold, you're dead to me!

I bid you ... adieu!

Bob's Penis

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:56:42 GMT

Here's my contribution to the annual fun of free fiction. It's me reading a little piece of flash called "Bob's Penis." (Yes, radconbob, this is the story I was going to read at Norwescon ... your curiosity shall finally be appeased!)

I actually recorded it just a couple of days ago because velourmane wanted a sample of my reading voice. And apparently, my huskier-than-normal Suzanne Pleschette baritone didn't scare her off, 'cause she's asked me to be a reader for an upcoming edition of PodCastle. The story she's giving me to read is awesome, a real doozy. I won't reveal any more details than that, but you're all in for a treat.

Anyway, here is Bob's Penis. It's not really "unsafe" for work, but it does have a penis in it that does weird things.

STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY!

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 18:37:43 GMT

People. PEOPLE!!!

It is "flesh out." You "flesh" something out. You do not "flush" something out.

STOP SAYING YOU HAVE TO FLUSH IT OUT!!!!!!!

Damn.

Barotrauma

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:00:20 GMT

Home from NYC.

Slept all day Saturday and Sunday in a disease-riddled fog. Starting to feel a bit better today -- hoping to see the other side of this miserable cold-flu thingy.

I took decongestants before my flight home on Friday night, but they didn't keep my eardrums from being severely mangled on the descent into PDX. I'm having a hard time hearing, it feels like I'm wearing earplugs, and my head rattles every time I swallow.

This is known as "airplane ear" or, more elegantly, "barotrauma."

I've fallen victim to this before, so I'm not panicked enough to go running to the doctor. There's nothing she can do. Unless I start bleeding from the earholes, or leaking pus, I just have to woman it out.

I need one of those old-fashioned ear trumpets, though. I can't hear a word anyone's saying to me.

Super Fun Song Meme!!!!! (Now with more exclamation points for more super fun.)

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:39:53 GMT

So I'm not staying at my usual Union Square digs on this trip, because the boss thought I should try something new, something closer to the actual office in Chelsea. And something hopefully one grade nicer than the christian merchant marine hostel. Fine, I thought, he's paying and I'm always up for an adventure.

The new hotel is nice ... it's in an old brownstone, which is cool, because I get to play architectural detective and try to figure out how the floor plan would actually have been before they chopped everything up into tiny little rooms and closets. So it beats the christian merchant marines on quaintness and charm. However, the christian merchant marines have got one thing this new place doesn't have. Quiet. Good old fashioned shut-the-fuck-up already.

Until about 3 a.m. the two male strip clubs downstairs were kicking out the jams, with all the high spirited hooting that such entertainments typically involve. They shut down at 3 a.m., and I thought things would settle down, but no ... at about 3:30 am the trash collectors came around, and I guess they were training a new guy to work the intricate mechanisms of the dump truck, because it took them a frigging HOUR to stop rattling cans and dropping shit with heavy thuds.

OK, so here's me. Tired, miserable, and no ear plugs. Because who thinks to pack ear plugs when you're used to staying in a place that's reliably quiet? But I had to try to get some sleep. Any sleep would do. So I put on my headphones and cranked up the tunes. Which is a fine solution, except that I have an iPod shuffle, which means you can't choose a "Chillax Tunes for Nights When The Trash Guys in Training Can't Find Their Asses with Both Hands" playlist. You just have to listen to whatever's loaded on there. Which happens to be workout music. 180 bpm with lots of loud guitars.

Well, anyway, it was better than the trash guys.

I didn't precisely *sleep* ... I kind of zoned into a white-haze music fog until 6 a.m., at which time I leapt out of bed, rested and refreshed and ready to face my day.

However, instead of dream fragments, I have song snippets running through my head this morning. I'm going to post them under the cut for your guessing pleasure. It's guaranteed super fun!!!!!!

1) "Ridicule is nothing to be scared of."
2) "We work for the company/That looks to the future/We work hard to please them/They will protect us"
3) "The more you reap the more you owe/oh yeah, everything is fine/this shit happens all the time"
4) "Shiny, shiny/Shiny boots of leather"
5) "We feel like Greeks, we feel like Romans/Centaurs and monkeys just cluster around us/We drink elixirs that we refine/From the juices of the dying"
6) "I want something good to die for/To make it beautiful to live"
7) "Did you ever have to ride in a light blue car?"
8) "Hammer my bones on the anvil of daylight"
9) "I never thought you'd be a junkie because heroin is so passe."
10) "It's about growing up/It's about licking the *** off the floors/It's about doing the things that you ought to do/It's about doing promotional work/It's about ... it's about PR!" (And darling, sweetheart, if I may just interject at this particular juncture what a joy it was to have this song invade my earholes at 4:53 a.m. ...)

SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION:
Which one of my favorite movies did I just reference with that last glib aside?

OK, I'm done for the morning. Have to get to work now.

Fly, my pretties!

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 23:00:55 GMT

So I'm packing for my trip to NYC (leaving PDX tonight at the stroke of midnight), and I'm sitting on my bed looking out my window (our bedroom, on the second floor, commands a really majestic vista of the wild ravine behind our cul-de-sac house) and I notice that there's a dozen or so turkey vultures taking turns swooping down past my window into the creekbed.

Something must have died down there, methinks. I'm hoping that it isn't one of the neighborhood cats.

Anyway, seeing all those big beautiful raptors swooping past my window, against a backdrop of verdant springtime green, made me feel like an evil queen commanding my winged minions. Unfortunately, though, my repeated requests for my minions to soar down to the 7-11 and get me a Diet Dr. Pepper went unheeded, so that fantasy was pretty hard to sustain.

Meet the new userpic. Same as the old userpic.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:08:55 GMT

My old userpic was starting to get that "not so fresh" feeling, so it's time for a new one. This one is also Adam Ant, like the old one, because there's only so much fresher I want to be.

It's also black and white, which makes my blog (and all my comments) seem that much more hip, ironic, and awesome.

Binge writing continues. Fun for all. Well, mostly for me.

Binge Writing

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:10:53 GMT

I've always wished I could be one of those people who plugged away diligently at 1,000 words a day, or 2,000 words a day, but I'm simply not. I'm a binge writer. That's just how I roll.

Thus, when I have the characters, when I know the conflict and where the plot is going, I can easily write 10,000 words a day -- as I have over the past 2 days, on a brand new novel that has knocked me down, dragged me down a dark alley, and demanded all the spare change out of my pockets.

This looks to be the greatest piece of fiction ever committed, just to warn you all in advance. I'm writing it in first person present, which is probably why it's going so quickly. First person present is pretty darn easy to draft. Except when it comes to sex scenes. Sex scenes in first person present are just ... silly.

But I generally write silly shit anyway, so that'll all work out fine, I'm sure.

See you all on the flipside.

P.S. Shout out to my NYC peeps that I'll shall be in the City the week of April 14-18 and will be at KGB & dinner on the 16th. Staying at my usual Union Square ~~hovel~~ hostel. Yeah, I know. You're all getting sick of me. Just think how tedious it will be when I finally give up and move there!

And I haven't had any caffeine since 10 a.m.!

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 02:36:34 GMT

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

Linked In!

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:32:13 GMT

My goodness, there is such a flurry of Linked In activity going on today for some reason! I've had 3 new contacts in just the past couple of hours. What brought all this on? Is this the techno version of con crud?

Anyway, it's delightful. I'm feeling much more linked in already.

Here's my profile, by the way ...

Back from Norwescon

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 18:40:22 GMT

... And my nose is back to the grindstone, showering sparks. Such is life.

Norwescon was fantastic as always. My daughter had a great time (I handed her a cell phone, a room key, a bit of cash and a map of the hotel -- it was set it and forget it) and then I got down to the business of serious wandering, chatting, and hanging out.

I saw lots of old friends (too numerous to namecheck) and met several fascinating folks. I met Michael Laine ("The Space Elevator Guy"), who is the CEO of LiftPort, a company that is working to deploy a working space elevator. Fascinating stuff. I also really digged talking with Michael Swanwick, who I've never met before. We were on a panel together, and we got to chat a bit afterward. His new book (which he's making the rounds promoting) is called "Dragons of Babel" and from the glimpse I got of it, it looks fantastic. I'll have to grab a copy.

The Broad Universe reading went well -- we had two brand new readers (including the lovely cscole who brought her own tiara to memorialize the milestone) and a reasonable number of attendees! The Talebones reading later was raucous, wild, and hilariously fun ... unfortunately I got there late and had to leave early for a panel, so I didn't get to hear all the readers.

At the Weird Tales party later I ended up in a corner all by myself -- not because I was feeling socially awkward, but because I'd picked up a copy of Weird Tales and was engrossed by catrambo's story "Events at Fort Plentitude." That's an *awesome* story. I can't say I was 100% in love with the illustration style they used to accompany it ... but the story was a wow.

Anyway, to sum up ... I had a great time, the panels were well-attended and the audience members had interesting and thoughtful questions. Looking forward to next year!

Broad Universe Rapid Fire Reading at Norwescon!

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 04:41:48 GMT

If you are going to be at Norwescon this coming weekend, I'd really like to encourage you to come to the Broad Universe Rapid Fire Reading at 6 p.m. We have two new readers (Jessica E. Price and C.S. Cole) who haven't read publicly before—and it would be awesome to have a big supportive audience for their first time out.

If you're not familiar with the Rapid Fire Readings, they're 1/2 hour slots in which every participant reads for 5-7 minutes—much like the Talebones reading that is scheduled in the same room after the Broad Universe reading. So if you're in the mood for fiction in fun-chunk format, come for the Broads, and stay for the Tales! (or ... uh ... something like that.)

We hope to see you there!

Scarring my daughter's psyche, Part 2,340

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 02:10:55 GMT

Yes, there have been so many ways I've scarred my poor daughter's psyche. But having her wake up from a lazy Sunday nap on the couch to find "Tommy" playing on the DVR (and of course, in her half-asleep state, she's utterly unable to stop watching it, as she most certainly otherwise would) has to be the most heinous.

We've gotten past Tina Turner and the Acid Queen psychout. But I think we're going to have give Uncle Eddie a miss with the power of my mighty remote. Because that, combined with Roger Daltry's bad perm, is just way *too* much Ken Russell to expose her to.

I DO have some motherly scruples, you know?

Failures in Womanhood

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 14:44:36 GMT

So you'd think, that as a mature woman approaching her 40th birthday, I would have already made all the leg-shaving mistakes I would ever make. You might even be excused for thinking, to yourself, on a lazy summer afternoon, "Why, that Mary Hobson, she's probably got this leg-shaving thing pretty dialed!"

Well, my friend, you'd be wrong.

Sure, I've gotten past the common mistakes: lotions that are supposed to make the hair grow back finer after you've shaved ... Nads ... Epilady (Somewhere, a horse screams, Frau Blucher style). Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that my best option for leg hair removal is some variety of depiliatory like Nair (and yes, I've even gotten past the mistake of leaving it on too long and having my legs break out in a scabrous rash that takes weeks to heal.)

But sometimes, you just need to get the job done and don't have time to sit on the edge of the tub in your panties, your gams slathered with sulfurous goo.

Yesterday was such a day. Friday evening, I'd had a hard week, and I wanted to go treat myself to a Pedi. (Ooh lah lah!) And you really *have* to see to your short and stubblies before you get a Pedi, otherwise the nail techs laugh at you and call you "hairy-legs" behind your back. And there was no Nair in the house. So I reached for a couple of nice fresh razors and the pink can of special womanly shaving cream that's supposed to contain special emollients to make the razor glide over one's skin like the touch of an angel feather; sparkly shaving cream with unicorn love and fairy dust to pamper a woman's sensitive needs. I lathered up, and proceeded carefully ...

And, as always, I sliced open my ankle.

Now, this isn't the mistake that is the subject of this post, because it is most definitely not a new mistake. In fact, it is the oldest mistake in history, a mistake with its roots in the very antiquity of my relationship with shaving. I can't not nick the skin above my anklebone, it seems. In fact, given the amount of times I've sliced that particular place on my leg, you'd think it would be one massive thick knot of keloided scar tissue.

And if you're a lady, I don't have to tell you how much this particular mistake hurts. It HURTS. Slicing a 1 inch strip of skin from above your anklebone hurts like a motherfucker. It hurts when you do it, and it hurts even more when you have to wash the blood off it, as sadly, you must ultimately do. Oh, and it bleeds. It bleeds A LOT. I don't think that there's a wound out there, other than a massive internal trauma, that bleeds longer or more copiously than an ankle nick.

But here's my problem, see ... I still want the Pedi. I'm really jonesing for the Pedi. And you can't go get a Pedi if your leg is gouting gore, it's just not very nice for the nail tech, you know? And the bandaid I put over the wound isn't going to cut it; presenting a leg sporting a blood-soaked bandaid is hardly better than sticking your sanginaceous appendage into the nail tech's face and saying, "MAKE ME PRETTY!" in a high-pitched crazy voice.

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, a distant memory beckons like a long-forgotten melody.

Don't they make such a thing as *liquid* bandage?

Yeah! Like stuff that you put over a wound, and encases it in smooth resilient plastic, so that it's almost like the wound never happened! That's the ticket!

So I head up to Walgreens and grab a bottle of something called "New Skin." And that does sound awfully promising, doesn't it? NEW SKIN! And I open up that bottle and I extract the little paintbrushy-thing, and I commence to paintin'.

And the pain brought tears to my eyes.

New Skin is EVIL. I think it's clear nail polish with lemon juice and salt mixed in. I was literally hopping around on my good foot going "ow ow ow!" as if that age-old technique would lessen the pain (hint: it doesn't.)

After what seemed an eternity (you know, I often use that superlative phrase in my writing, but I've never actually experienced its truth outside of childbirth--and with New Skin) the pain subsided. And if the New Skin had actually *worked*, I might have thought that it was somewhat worth it. But no. My agony was all in vain; the gory stream of blood continued unabated, but now the blood had lemon juice and clear nail polish mixed into it.

I came to realize three things:

1) New Skin is EVIL! (Ok, I realized that from the moment I used it, but the knowledge was now seared into my consciousness.)
2) New Skin does not work on wounds that are bleeding like a motherfucker, and
3) New Skin is EVIL!

So I gave up and put on another bandaid.

And I DIDN'T get a Pedi.

And that's it for this edition of "Failures in Womanhood!" Next week -- alpha hydroxy moisturizers and the ways I've fucked up using them!